Erica is Rich

Watch? No. Move!

2011-12-30T11:34:00.000+02:00

The holidays allowed me to catch up on the movies I have read so much about but have not had the chance to see - Smurfs, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Hangover 2 and My Week with Marilyn (which I saw on an advance screening).

I miss watching movies.

I have not been watching much movies because I need to be careful what I do with Bibi. I do not want her to grow up needing to watch TV a lot. I would rather she reads books or play. Basing on her behavior, she seems to be enjoying both more.

Of course, I am not a purist either. I do turn on the TV sometimes. But I turn it off when she starts begging for attention. I do not want her to see that TV is an important part of my life.

Hmm. But I do have to admit now that I really miss watching movies. Maybe it is a holiday thing. Holidays are supposed to be for pigging out in front of the TV! However, this holiday season has been not like that for me. In fact, my body is so tired from walking and exercising too much over the last week. I should have known this when I married an athlete!

Oh humbug.

Thirty and One

2011-12-26T11:34:00.001+02:00

I am 31.

I feel that my 30th year has been a year of growth. I believe I have improved as a person. I have realized what I should prioritize and what I should put on the "later" list.

On the later list is my career. I have not been working because we chose as a family that I stay at home to nurture our kid. I thought I would go crazy at home. At times, I was. However, I have relishing being at home.

I am still going to school though. Studying, learning and anything related to making my brain function is something I have given top priority to. I want to grow and to continue learning (whether formally or informally).

I guess what I learned last year is to not hurry. I have been living Ecclesiastes 2's lessons. There is a season for everything and 30 was a season to realize that everything has a season. In this freakishly fluid, fast and push-yourself-to-the-limit world, I think realizing that was a feat.

Now, the main question is, what will 31 bring?

See you next year for the answer. :)

Correction: I meant Ecclesiastes 3 not 2 though chapter 2 is also a very good one. That book has been a very good read lately. :-)

Like Not

2011-12-02T02:07:00.000+02:00

Has social media made us careless?

I read a blog recently where a Filipino grade school computer teacher in A PRIVATE SCHOOL asked her students to open a Facebook account. The reason? So they can "like" her daughter in a very local, small ~~and totally not worth her job~~ beauty pageant.

This is just one of the many reasons why I am starting to dislike Facebook, Twitter and other micro-blogging sites more and more. We, and yes I include myself, tend to abuse the platform given us every now and then. We also easily let go of ourselves online. Sometimes, we create a different online alter-ego on the internet.

For example, some people tend to blabber away online but clam up offline. What is up with that?

One good measure I use whenever I want to posting something on Facebook or on this blog is whether a certain post is a good representation of what I really believe in. What I mean is, if I post something inflammatory against, say, the marshals of Planet Venus, would I be able to hold up to that opinion no matter what? Am I willing to be ridiculed, judged or sued for that opinion?

Sometimes, we tend to just go with the flow without really understanding where the flow is headed.

Anyway, the here is the original blog post. As an aside, I condone the assignment the teacher gave, though I think she should not be fired. Suspended, perhaps? May do her well to hide from her colleagues and re-assess herself for a while.

Final Answer

2011-12-02T01:49:00.000+02:00

I deleted my Twitter. Final answer. I won't re-install it nor make a new one.

So, now I have no micro-blogging site.

I deleted it because Twitter made me gossip, a habit which I am getting rid of a day, a move, a step and a decision at a time.

I am still unsure of what to do with Facebook.

Guilt

2011-11-19T13:38:00.000+02:00

Hi!

Those who know us well know that the little girl turned one a few weeks back.

It is very surreal and real at the same time to realize that yep, we have a one year old. I am a parent. It took me some time to really digest that fact. I still struggle with moments of selfishness and guilt. For example, when I go online, I feel guilty because I am not 100% focused on her. Sure, she is okay playing with her toys on her own (sometimes). Yet, I have this terrible guilt trip that I should not do stuff like surfing.

In a way, I shouldn't. I should Facebook less, for example. However, recently, I have discovered a lot of online Christian resources and videos. I think those I can enjoy a bit more.

I read in one Christian blog that guilt is actually a condition. And really, guilt is not a product of faith but the lie of the enemy.

Very true.

Anyway, off I go now. :)

Until next time. BTW, I am somehow active in Twitter again so go look me up if you want. ;-)

Cheers!

Anti-Social

2011-10-23T12:45:00.000+03:00

It has been more than a month since I last blogged! Huwaw. I have been getting bad at this haven't I?

I have already deleted one social networking account two weeks back because it was not doing me any good. It was good to have it for a while. It was private and I used it to vomit thoughts without considering consequences. However, I feel it has served its purpose and I was no longer happy with it. So, I pressed delete and moved on.

Lately, I have been on Facebook more often. I am now totally unsure what to do with that account. I am still trying to figure out if it makes me a better person or not. I am apprehensive to delete it though. It serves as a good directory. It is my usage that is the problem, not the platform itself.

However, if I do not improve in my FB usage I will have to delete it. I will just have to work harder to stay in touch with people.

The good news is offline I feel much better. I have been reading more devotionals, exercising more, eating much better, getting massages and spending more time with Bibi. I have been more active in the baby clubs and activities in our neighborhood. My life post-birth has finally formed into a better looking puzzle. For that, I am grateful. :)

So now I go offline. See you later. ;)

What is Definition?

2011-09-13T20:42:00.000+03:00

We just came home from two (almost) back-to-back trips. First, we were in enchanting Stockholm. Then, we explored exciting Dublin.

Both trips brought out my repressed desire to leave Helsinki behind. This city, while quiet and welcoming, sometimes feel constricting. I feel I do not belong here. Yet, oddly enough I choose to stay. I stay not just because of family and friends but because I know living here is the most practical option.

The city is relatively quieter than most capitals. The air is clean. There are good playgrounds for kids. Moms have NGO-arranged activities. Plus, etcetera and so forth.

But somehow it doesn't feel like home. I do not know where home is. Actually, I do not know what home is.

I want to go on and on and on about theories of being lost and found but I am way past that melancholy. I think the whole displacement comes with the huge change that motherhood brings. After all, my career has and will continue to take huge back steps.

My job now is to be a home keeper. I have yet to learn to bake delicious pies, clean windows perfectly and keep potted plants alive but step-by-step, my life has become defined by what I did at home for the day.

It is brain wracking.

However, I find comfort that I am learning a lot and my character is shifting. For example, I have learned to find comfort in arranging the house. Wow huh? Cleaning the house should be annoying not comforting. Yet, here I am writing that indeed housework makes me sane.

What is weird?

Tiger Good

2011-08-11T15:36:00.001+03:00

Our kiddo can walk a few steps without support now. She has been developing much faster than expected. She is but a mere nine months you see and not all babies can do what she can now. In fact, she is often mistaken for an "older" baby not because of her size but because of her abilities.

I never really dreamed that my baby would be this advanced. I am no tiger mom. Kids are kids so let them be kids for a while.

Apparently my daughter does not share my philosophy.

She is a tiger baby.

Rise in Fall

2011-08-08T15:21:00.000+03:00

The fall will prove to be a busy one.

I have 2 heavy courses and a reviewer's course in Finnish in time for the language exam I need for the citizenship. Normally these tasks would not daunt me but I do have a little one demanding a lot of attention and time from me. However, I am confident that I have enough time management skills to survive. After all I did pretty well in the spring (I got 4s and 5s) and at that the change in routine was more abrupt and surprising.

Nerd alert.

Short and Sweet

2011-07-26T12:42:00.000+03:00

The bombings in Norway was a wake up call that we should always be on guard.

I pray for the victims and their families.

Blog Skip and Hop!

2011-07-21T06:28:00.000+03:00

I have been reading "The Power of a Prayerful Life" because I really want to grow in faith. My faith seems to take steps back every time I have bad things happening around me.

I have also been blog hopping to read about fellow Christians' thoughts. For example, Liz's blog was a good place to start today. Aside from having always spot-on thoughts, she has a link of people she reads on the left side and from there I explored more and more people's blogs!

It is funny that I do not really know most of the people I have been reading but their posts have been great blessings. It makes me feel normal and encouraged.

So to co-bloggers out there, we need to be really prudent about what we post. We never know if we end up blessing others with our thoughts. :)

Wo-Manila

2011-07-19T20:02:00.000+03:00

Back from Manila.

My recent trip to Manila explains my silence on this blog. I have also been silent on the internet. In a way, I chose to detox from being online for a while. It was a welcome change to listen to the radio for news updates instead of transfixing my radar on social media.

A lot of realizations surfaced during the short trip. In a gist, I realized that I am getting happier all the time and that people who used to annoy me do not annoy me any longer. I am not annoyed by them because they have changed but because I have changed.

I am now much more certain about who I care about and what I want to spend my time on. I streamlined my life. It feels good. :)

I feel somehow renewed after the trip. Great way to get a re-kick out of this year!

War and Refuge

2011-06-25T09:37:00.000+03:00

I am currently reading Voyage of the Damned, a book about how German Jews tried to escape Nazi Germany before the war broke out. I am not yet done with the book so I do not know how it turns out. However, the book gave me a new insight about political asylum seekers in present-day Finland.

There has been an ongoing, never-ending debate about whether Finland should limit its number of asylum seekers. I am leaning more and more towards the liberal side as I read more about current stories of war.

Reading about past wars strengthens my conviction about being kind to citizens from war-torn countries.

Having experienced some difficult moments in my life, I am often pissed off when people give me unsolicited advice about "staying positive" in times of stress. I have dealt with a lot of crap and I know how I deal with my own stress. Sometimes it involves panicking and to an outsider, it seems showing signs of weakness. However, to me it is just "going through the process of solution-finding."

Having said that, I am actually getting appalled by how society just label asylum seekers as lazy seekers government benefits. Have we lived in war-torn and extremely poor countries? Probably not. So we also have very little idea of how it is and what the mind and soul go through when living in those circumstances. We also do not know how long the wounds heal and how they process the pain.

So, instead of labeling them and handing them solutions that are thought off by theory-filled minds, maybe we should take time to understand their process (of healing and integrating). We can capitalize on that process so they can mesh better.

Mom Wave

2011-06-16T10:32:00.001+03:00

Well Hello. It has been a while since I last blogged.

These days I am becoming more and more satisfied with being a stay at home mom. It was a challenge for a while. I felt productive and unproductive at the same time. I was a bit concerned about my career being on hold. I felt like half a failure.

I had to shake that off because I don't want my daughter's current role model (as she has no choice at the moment) to wallow in self-pity. I just had to accept that life comes in waves and at the current wave, I am a mom.

I am career-less at the moment, but really, who cares? Society? Well, I think society offers way too much pressure. I will not subject myself to that. In any case, the situation is temporary and who knows what a month or a day will offer?

Country Weak?

2011-06-09T10:06:00.001+03:00

I have been reading up on a lot of reviews lately. I think I am on the movie mode. Okay, scratch "I think" because I am definitely on a movie mode. The last two weeks were dedicated to watching movies and so far I think I have watched 25.

Anyway, I was reading up on what critics had to say about "Country Strong" because Gwyneth did such a lovely number in the Country Music Awards. I was thinking of whether the movie would also be good. I have a mile long list of movies to see and I wanted to see if I should include this one. However after reading this from Rotten Tomatoes:

Paltrow gives it her best but is so conspicuously doing country. We're meant to believe she has spent half her life staring into a vodka bottle, but she glows like she's just stepped out of a yoga retreat. (Cath Clarke, The Times)

I do not think I would. Hahaha.

10 Thousand

2011-06-06T12:08:00.000+03:00

In Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers, he claims that a person reaches expert proficiency after ten thousand hours of practice. If I apply the same logic to mommyhood, it means that it will take years before I become actually good at this.

I have been feeling that I have not been a good enough mom to the little one recently. I think I watched way too many TV shows and movies about how moms should be. Movies always seem to portray moms as fashionable, organized and good household keepers. I do not fit in any of those categories. H said I am a good mom but I still feel that I fall short every single day.

I am pretty sure I am not alone in this beautiful struggle but that being said, I still feel that this battle is personal. It is mine to conquer. No matter how many people tell me this and that and give me UNSOLICITED advice, I will never be confident until I decide to be.

Laugh Laugh Laugh!

2011-06-01T10:52:00.000+03:00

I was reading a review of The Kennedys and quoted below is something I came across. It made me laugh albeit silently lest the baby wakes up. I have to share this:

Now, I know it’s going to be popular to want to blame Katie Holmes for the disaster that is “The Kennedys.” And there’s something to that. She’s terrible. It’s like, she’s focusing so hard on dropping the Rs that the Rs are all that come through. I’ve heard chainsaws do better Boston accents. In fact, there’s no rhyme or reason to her accent at all. In one scene, it’s a hybrid British/Ugandan accent, in another, it’s some sort of Trekkie language, and in another, she’s yelling “CUNT!” when she’s trying to say “Can’t.” I think at one point, she was speaking in clicks. But, it is a testament to Katie Holmes’ true acting ability that she can deliver the lines in that awful, wince-inducing accent without grimacing at her own voice. It’s unbelievable, really. If I were delivering her lines in that way that she is delivering them, there’s no way I could keep a straight face. That’s real actressin’.

Source: Pajiba

Chisel

2011-05-23T16:36:00.001+03:00

I am currently reading Alter's The Promise: Obama Year One. The book offers first-hand accounts of how Obama has handled the campaign, the victory, the transition and the presidency. The book is actually quite good except I am pretty sure that the author is a flaming Democrat. His book can be summarized in a sentence: Obama is the best thing since sliced bread. :-p

Actually, I think Obama deserves some credit for surviving the presidency so far. He has had to face such grueling circumstances. I am still very reserved about him. However, I think, overall, history will judge him kindly.

Reading the book made me reaffirm one thing though. Some things are pre-destined. Obama was chosen by the heavens to be the US President at this moment in time. His collective experiences as a boy, student, husband, senator and so forth, tempered him with the right attitude to become a good candidate. It also helped that he ran at a time when everyone hated the former administration and that his opponent was too politically motivated to do a good job as a candidate. The election was Obama's to win.

And because I am self-involved, I want to use what I learned in relation to my life. (Insert inspiring music)

I realized that God is currently chiseling me. My current circumstances are actually very good (relative to my "past life" and to other people's lives). However, I have a sneaky feeling of unrest. I feel like I am being challenged to clean my life.

So far, I have stopped reading gossip blogs. It has freed my mind from so many trash. I have also stopped talking about other people and "it is none of my business" has become my most common reply. Okay, every now and then I do make comments but every time I do so, I feel like throwing up.

I have also started hating piracy with passion. Before I just thought it was illegal and avoided supporting it. Now I am really angry about it.

I am also starting to question why I am friends with people whose values I question. It is not my job to judge them but it is my privilege to avoid them. I can no longer tolerate people who speak of all things high and mighty yet engage in useless, brainless chatter which often involves proliferating hatred and insult. I want to cut myself out of these people's lives. Screw worldly popularity. I have the loyalty of very good people whom I actually respect. These relationships are enough to sustain me.

What I just shared are snippets of how I am being chiseled, pruned and changed. Why this is all happening is beyond me. Maybe I will be president of Finland. Hahaha. Major imagination much?

My Girl

2011-05-20T13:50:00.000+03:00

You never know when what you do can be a blessing to others.

For example, Michelle Williams has sort of made me giddy lately. I have liked her since she was the biatch in Dawson's Creek. She was clearly undervalued in that show. She was painted all sorts of bitch against Katie Holmes' perfect character.

Nowadays, Michelle is considered by some critics as "the best actress of her generation." While Katie Holmes' acting career has gone nowhere.

I like that Michelle seemed to have come from behind. Her choices as far as to what roles she should take have been risky, smart and challenging.

I think her dedication to become a better actress has sort of rubbed off on me. While I do not want to be an actress, I want to be as pursuant, humble and strategic.

Favorite people are such great mood-uppers. Better than caffeine.

Gold and Movie

2011-05-16T14:36:00.000+03:00

Last night was a huge night for Finland. They won gold in the World Ice Hockey Championships against frenemy Sweden. They made six beautiful goals against Sweden's one.

I am actually quite happy that Finland has won. I prayed for the victory because I felt that they deserved to win. Finland is a kind society and I felt they deserved a bit of happiness.

---

Today marks the first time I watched The Reader, the movie where Kate Winslet got her Oscar from. I regret not having watched it earlier because it was beautiful. For me, it tells of a story on how one person can be the source of hope and how that one person can also become your despair. The movie also showed me once more that in life blacks and whites do not exist. Life is gray.

I am not a movie critic so I would spare you from my review. Suffice to say, the movie touched my heart. I think I will actually buy a DVD copy and keep one in my collection.

In Sixth

2011-05-13T22:57:00.000+03:00

Six months after giving birth, I am still learning to be Little Miss Mommy. I think the learning process is steep not only because you become responsible for a little one but also because you discover things about yourself.

I discovered that I am actually a good mom not because I act like sitcom moms (you know, the cheery, home cooking kind) but because I have great instincts about what she needs. I am also quite empathetic and somehow I feel what she feels. Sometimes I actually know what she needs even before she realizes it.

Just the other day, I knew that she was tired so I tried to make her sleep. She resisted and started crying. So I put her down on the floor so she can crawl. She still cried. I tried to feed her and more tears came. Finally, she decided I was right and closed her eyes. She fell asleep.

It is true that moms have good gut feel about what their kids need even before the kids know themselves. No wonder so many mom and kid teams have huge fights. Gut feelings are very hard to qualify and communicate!

Parenthood is a very unique experience. All the books, movies, conversations, TV episodes and countless internet articles, could never ever prepare anyone. Each baby is different. Every mom and kid relationship is different.I can only prepare for what is ahead but never will I be able to really prepare for it.

No Rush

2011-05-08T19:47:00.000+03:00

Oh blogging, how I have missed you so.

After my last post about losing my fondness of Twitter, I have also abruptly lost fondness for another social networking micro-blogging site. I think the world has started to become too cluttered both in terms of trash and information. I want life to be simple once again.

I feel like life is too rushed these days. Too much can happen in a day and one day seems like forever. It is in these rushed moments that I feel I am missing out on life.

I appreciate being at home now with my baby because it makes me aware of the passage of time and what counts the most. I do not want to be pre-occupied with useless information any longer. I want to focus on family and on myself. I mean why bother debating about Kate Middleton's dress? So what if it was too simple? Does winning that argument really add quality to my life?

Anyway, I want to take things slow. I think I will. No one is stopping me. ;)

It Was Good for A While

2011-04-15T12:18:00.001+03:00

My heart really does belong to blogging.

I have been very active on Twitter for the last few months. The upped micro-blogging activity was contributed by my situation as a new mom who cannot access normal internet. I have been using my phone to check on news updates and also shouting out my "thought for the fleeting moment."

Lately, though, I have found Twitter to be very toxic. Maybe I am just following the wrong people. For example, I followed Filipino celebrities who found it necessary to broadcast their branded purchases. I am getting tired of those kinds of updates especially since our country is poor. I used to like their updates because I liked tweets about working hard. But slowly, their tweets have degenerated into taming their celebrity circle of friends, useless purchases and complaints about their lives and their really "huge problems" (e.g. I ate too much pasta FML).

So I need a Twitter detox. I think I will log on there less. The news updates, I admit, are useful. But then again, maybe my mind gets too cluttered with too much ~~disturbing~~ news updates. I need a mind detox. I need to fill my head with thoughts from the Holy Spirit rather than from unholy minds.

So, Twitter was good for a while. Now, I have once again realized that my heart is in blogging and reading blogs. Or at least, looking at pretty pictures on Tumblr is much better than reading Tweets.

Tweet tweet flop.

iLearn

2011-04-11T16:04:00.003+03:00

I learned that after giving birth that...

...you can lose all the weight you gained but you can never have your body back.

Stay Put!

2011-04-07T16:53:00.001+03:00

After all the prayers, deliberations, long talks and daydreaming, we have decided to make Finland our home for the next five years.

So, no more Spain for now. No Manila either.

Helsinki it is.

Home sweet home.

The B Word

2011-03-24T17:27:00.000+02:00

B is for Busy.

I have been very busy. I almost forgot I have this blog to update! Since I have vowed to keep this spot blistering with my thoughts for the sake of my kid, I cannot really press delete on this one.

Anyhoo, I have gone back to school for this spring. The crazy in me signed up for 27 credits which means every free time I get is devoted to typing reports, studying for exams and researching. It is a challenge to finish all these credits with a baby. However, you will hear no complaints from me because I think God has orchestrated all of this quite well.

Sure, I feel stress every now and then but all in all, time has been managed and tasks have been ticked off. The main sacrifice I have had to take is that I have found little time to be with friends. For that, I feel sadness. Otherwise, everything is dandy.

The busy season will end in a few months and after that I only have my thesis to handle. I know writing the thesis is a long and painful process. However, I find that with me, as long as I am determined, I can do stuff ably and promptly.

In any case, in times of distress I just begin imagining that my life is a movie. You know the plot: somehow harassed mom and wife with too much to do yet armed with a lot of faith and resilience. I know this sounds a bit crazy and self-absorbed but who cares? We all are a bit crazy and self-absorbed. I just have enough courage to write and archive it online. Hahaha. ;-)

Tattoo

2011-03-16T16:39:00.000+02:00

The weekend was one of horrors.

Waking to earthquakes seem commonplace nowadays.

The harrowing images of Japan's tsunami are tattooed on my mind.

Too biblical, these events are. Is the end near?

39.5

2011-03-07T10:04:00.000+02:00

39.5 is how high my fever last week got.

Strangely, for someone as paranoid as me, I felt very calm while at the hospital. I think God must have sent a million angels to calm me down. Normally, I would be thinking horrific thoughts already. Back then, I just felt like sleeping. I felt "drugged."

I guess I was drugged - drugged with grace. :)

I feel better now. I am still on antibiotics but my fever is gone, my joints are better and my muscles do not hurt anymore.

I learned many lessons once again but to sum it all up, I want to paraphrase Joyce Meyer whom I saw preaching on TV: "When you are going through something bad, instead of complaining, think about what God has already put you through."

Life is bliss.

Coffee Coffer

2011-02-26T13:27:00.000+02:00

I love drinking coffee but my kidney hates it.

I need to cut down but I must do it as a 3-year long project! Why 3 years? Because as I age, I have come to accept that change happens one miniscule step at a time.

For example, years ago, I wanted to eat more healthily. I tried going cold turkey by junking all the junk food. It did not work. In fact, I craved for more. So what I did was that I tried cutting back little by little. Now I still eat junk but it happens much more rarely. My system is starting not to like junk food. I know because I feel like puking every time I eat a bag of chips.

I must put coffee in the coffer but I love the taste, the smell and the jolt it brings way too much! So from now I on, I will drink one deciliter less every 2 months. After which I will switch to decaf, then switch to those little coffee candies.

I can do this!

Check again with me in three years, shall you?

My Life Online!

2011-02-24T08:03:00.000+02:00

I have just registered in FitDay - a site where you can monitor your food intake as well as your daily activities. It is part of my weight loss plan.

I also have a Good Reads account to archive all the things I have read and scope for new reads.

Those are just two of the sites I have recently signed into. I have more lying around.

So, now my life is almost always electronically archived.

This leads to my very deep question: Do I need a new laptop?

Control

2011-02-22T18:45:00.000+02:00

The world is sad.

The unrest and disasters happening one after another, or rather, side-by-side, have led many to believe that indeed the world will end in 2012.

Well, maybe it does.

Does it really help to panic?

Instead of panicking, I would rather concentrate on believing that God is in control. He is also very much in love with us.

I remember two incidents where He spared the world because of two people (i.e. Noah and Moses) in two incidents.

It does require that people stop ignoring Him. We have all become too "self-reliant" and we forget that none of this can be controlled by us.

We can say we control our own time. But can we really control it? Can we have power over the day when a flood suddenly decides to sweep us off our feet while we are on our busy way following our schedule?

Life is not really ours to control. Maybe it is ours to manage but being altogether dominant over it is not what I believe in.

So, instead of panicking, I would rather put my hands together and pray.

A Quote

2011-02-13T16:34:00.001+02:00

Here is a quote worth archiving from General Angie Reyes. The quote was found from his final words before committing suicide:

I did not invent corruption. I walked into it. Perhaps my first fault was in having accepted aspects of it as a fact of life.

For non-Filipinos, the quote comes from a government official who committed suicide in the midst of corruption allegations.

His guilt was never proven but it was (sadly) presumed. We are a society that forgives easily but before that forgiveness we chastise hastily, irrationally and harshly. No wonder he felt isolated, lonely and depressed.

Here were his final words.

Privacy

2011-02-11T15:50:00.000+02:00

Some people are asking why I do not post a lot of our kid's pictures online. Even in my private social networking sites, I rarely post her picture.

The reason why I do not do so is because she is not me. She may have my DNA running through her tiny veins but eventually she will grow up. When she does, she will begin to figure out how private or public she wants her life to be. I do not want her to grow up and then realize that too many pieces of her has been posted online. No matter how insignificant we end up being in the public arena, she has a right to decide what she wants archived on the net. I cannot make that decision for her.

So there you go. I have explained! Next question, please. :)

Over My Top

2011-02-05T16:30:00.000+02:00

I am tired.

I have some free time today. By free time I mean having the time to clean, do the laundry, go to the shop and make some client proposals.

So far, I have accomplished NOTHING.

I am tired and I think my non-work is my way of rebelling against what I need to do. It can also very well be my way of recharging my over withdrawn energy account.

I am currently not put together. I am not fragmented though. There is a difference (in my opinion).

So, right now I am chilling. I need to gather myself and just breathe.

Hopefully, my next post would be chipper. ;-)

Memo!

2011-02-03T17:45:00.000+02:00

Gosh!

It has been a while since I wrote something.

What have I been doing lately?

1) Taking care of the Bibi
2) Having "The Office" (US) marathon
3) Trying to make sense of everything
4) Plotting my next moves
5) Drinking coffee

So there you go! Life is both moving and still.

Great!

Photo from www.sxc.hu

Theory?

2011-01-24T12:24:00.000+02:00

I have not been reading much about breast milk and studies related to it. I just do not want to feel any pressure on how I should raise our little one. I do know that there are headlines about how breastfed babies grow up healthier and smarter.

I have been pondering on this because frankly, sometimes I feel that formula is better on the days that I do not eat as healthily as I should. Also, with all the GMO food that I eat by default, what makes my breast milk any better?

My theory is that it is better because being breastfed makes the baby feel close to the mom which then results into high EQ. Also, being breast fed means that the baby gets the mom's immunity against various viruses. It is much like having vaccines for the many viruses the mom has fought successfully.

So, that is my theory. I wonder if it has any merit at all. If it does not, I don't really care. :-)

Little Thoughts

2011-01-17T09:46:00.001+02:00

We called Bibi´s midwife a week back and she said that when the baby turns 4 months, she can start eating solid food. We asked if the baby should get those cereal type food and she said that they do not recommend those because it causes the baby to be chubbier than she should be. I found that funny because in the Philippines having chubby babies is a good thing. In Finland, it is avoided. It makes a lot of sense that we were advised not to make our baby too big. I realized that she would have a hard time learning to stand up and walk if she has a difficult time carrying her own weight.

The system of a baby having a (public) midwife instead of a pediatrician was a bit weird for me to accept in the beginning. But so far, our midwife has been spot on in terms of giving us advice on what to do with the baby. I have to credit her for giving useful tips regarding our baby's development. I must say though that she can be very direct sometimes which does not bode an overly conscious mom like me well.

I read a news item about a mom who is being persecuted for her baby´s death. Apparently, the one-year old baby died in the tub while she was on Facebook. The baby drowned because he had a seizure during the bath. I do not want to make a social commentary about the incident. I just wonder out loud if society would be more forgiving if she were doing something like cleaning the house or cooking dinner when the incident occurred. As a person who is with the baby alone most of the time, I can testify how hard it can be.

What Happened?

2011-01-09T09:22:00.001+02:00

This morning, I was reading "Baby's Developmental Milestones" online and I found out that Sabina is advanced for her age! Well, okay not that advanced but judging from what I read, she is on average a month advanced.

WHAT HAPPENED?!?

I guess not "trusting the process" completely was the key. We make her flex her muscles. We make her stare at interesting objects. We talk to her. We make her "read."

I really have no clue how this happened since I shunned all these "raise a super baby" books. I believe babies should be babies and if I wanted her to be a super baby, I would be tending more to my insecurities than to her development.

Anyway, I am very grateful she is showing signs of positive progress. Now, I am off to read her a chapter of proverbs because I feel it is my responsibility to open her world to God's wisdom as early as possible.

Post-script:

It is actually very scary how many "super baby" books there are out there. Talk about pressure!

Hip Me Hop

2011-01-08T10:12:00.000+02:00

There is something different about me.

I have been listening to hip hop songs lately! Just like when I crave for bad and unhealthy food, I have been in absolute need to listen to hip hop! Haha.

I can only theorize that since I have been on a gradual, step-by-step diet and fitness program, my non-intake of junk is compensated by my need to listen to gangster rap. :-p

The music is absolutely fun to listen to though. It makes me (and the baby) groove. :-)

Hello New Year!

2011-01-01T12:52:00.000+02:00

Hello 2011!

Last night was the first time I ever slept through new year's eve and it was worth it. It may very well be the only night I sleep in 2011. Haha.

I was planning to write a nice post about the year that was but maybe I will do that later instead. Time is precious and right now I need to eat instead of punching thoughts away into this blog. Hehe.

I just want to emphasize one thing: HOROSCOPES ARE BULLSHIT.

I was supposed to be unlucky in almost every aspect in 2010. "Supposed" being the operative word because we all know I was blessed with a baby girl last year among other blessings! Only one person knows what is in store for us. ;-)

I wish everyone who reads this post a healthy, blissful and "lesson-full" 2011.

iFreeze

2010-12-25T11:14:00.000+02:00

It was a given that we would have a white Christmas this year. After all, the snowfall have brought those of us in Helsinki mounds and mounds of snow on the ground. It would take a pretty powerful sun to melt all of that and as Mother Nature goes, the sun is a bit shy during this time of the year.

What was not a given was how cold it would be. Yesterday was -19 and my ears were frozen. The silver lining is that my hormones due to breastfeeding have given me supernatural insulation and I think that has been the only way I have survived this winter so far. I do not know what I will do if this beyond frigid weather becomes an annual event. I cannot get pregnant every year, you know!

Dante Alighieri described hell as frozen contrary to popular notions that the place is fiery and warm. I still believe hell to be mighty hot though. However, I can totally see the point why Dante would assume hell is frozen. You know that the Spanish word for winter is incredibly close to their word for hell, right?

Anyway, I wish you all a MERRY CHRISTMAS. I hope I am not scrooging up your holidays by writing about hell. ;-)

Christmas Magic

2010-12-18T07:28:00.000+02:00

Now that I have a baby, Christmas takes on a new meaning and it is NOT because of me being a parent. It is because I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for God to be a baby. I cannot wrap my head around the idea of Him breastfeeding, having wonky eyes and burping out milk every so often.

I think stepping down to being human is like me consciously deciding to be a dog. I am sure it is nice to be a dog (especially if you have nice owners who like scratching your ears). However, after being a verbose, freely thinking and communicative human being, it must be hard to suddenly be limited to barking (and doing puppy eyes) when trying to express something.

It must have been so weird to be a toddler and know that you were God. Did Jesus play with other children or was He brooding in the corner thinking? Did He run around the house and bump His head on the wall? What was His first word?

Christmas is becoming more meaningful to me by the minute as I observe our baby be a baby.

The Hangover

2010-12-16T10:52:00.002+02:00

I feel like I have a permanent hangover. Aside from my brain not working well enough to say things that make sense, I am also in between constant states of dizziness. Just this morning, I told my husband that I want to feed the baby in the freezer. Hahaha.

Otherwise, all is well. So far the baby is blessed with good health. We were at the doctor's yesterday where she got the rotta virus vaccination for free. When I asked what the rotta virus was. The midwife said it is when the baby pukes a lot coupled with fever for a week. She said that some babies need to be confined when they get the virus. She also said and I quote, "in Africa the babies die!" Talk about scaring the mom. Also, for some reason, she also felt the need to say that one vaccination costs 50e. I almost got scared that she will bill me for the vaccination drop which I did not know the baby was supposed to get.

I also got my six week post-partum check-up and my uterus is back in shape. I am very happy about that because I prayed a lot about that. They did order me to have some tests done and in a few weeks I will know if everything is 100% a-okay. Until then, I am not yet super cleared so I hope you join me in praying for my health. Pretty please? :-)

I do still have pain when walking too much so the hangover continues. I am allowed to gradually start an exercise routine. I personally want to gain more muscles because I am so soft nowadays. I have fat everywhere. It makes me a good pillow for the baby but being a pillow is NOT my life's dream. I want to be a bench, haha.

Anyway, I will now get off this blog to start jogging in front of the TV while watching "Friends." I have a little time before the baby wakes up. ;-)

More Frogs

2010-12-10T11:09:00.000+02:00

E: I cannot cook you dinner but you can fry the pig in the fridge.

E: (While breastfeeding) Can you bring me water? Please put it in a can. No I mean, put it in a thing that is not a glass. (I meant a bottle OBVIOUSLY).

Frogs

2010-12-09T10:09:00.000+02:00

Frogs - Funny statements, usually said by funny people, weirdos and Erica (especially when her brain is not working due to being a baby slave).

H: Where should we make the baby sleep on the bed or in the crib?

E: In the toilet.

H: Where do I put these clothes?

E: In the freezer.

E: Can you buy marbles for the Christmas tarts? (I meant marmalade.)

Photo source: www.sxc.hu

Huge

2010-12-04T11:28:00.000+02:00

Today is our kid's dedication. She will neither be baptized as a Catholic nor as a Lutheran. She will be evangelical. We can only hope that she will choose to be a Christian all throughout her life. Of course, we will raise her as one but given that she has free will, we cannot really force her to believe in things we believe in.

Before she was even born, we were already praying that God would reveal Himself to her and that her heart would be open to accept Him. Let us see what happens.

She has two sets of godparents. One from my country and one from the dad's. We took the task of choosing the godparents very seriously because they have to be trustworthy enough. They will be the ones to give additional guidance as she grows up and will have to take over if anything happens. Plus, in case she decides to go study (for college) somewhere else other than where we are settled, she would need stand-in parents.

Today is a big day. Huge. So, I will stop writing this and prepare my ass for the event.

Photo Source: www.sxc.hu

Reader Schmeader

2010-11-30T10:41:00.001+02:00

I just discovered that Blogger shows statistics about blog readership a few days ago. Guess what I saw? There are actual people reading this blog!

I find that cool because I know blogging is not as cool as tweeting nowadays. I am practically a grandma in the social networking world for keeping a blog like this so actively. It is even on blogspot for crying out loud. It is all about Tumblr these days, right?

Maybe I was just very self-absorbed and that self-absorption made me keep this blog. Then, the purpose of the blog transformed into something less selfish. I wanted my future kids to get to know me through this little diary in cyberspace. So, I continued blogging even though I never knew if I had an actual reader.

So, it was really, really cool to see that people still drop by to read my entries. It makes me feel that I am not just a crazy cyber babbler, I am also a bit sane. Haha.

Anyway, I know this is a completely useless post but random posting is fun. Hopefully, next time I have something better to share. ;-)

Photo Source: www.sxc.hu

Bad Math

2010-11-25T10:08:00.001+02:00

Why is it that even though I am 99% certain of something, it is the 1% of doubt and worry that (sometimes) pre-occupy me?

This is just bad math! Grrr...

Photo Source: www.sxc.hu

Tears on Her Pillow

2010-11-24T10:11:00.000+02:00

Sometimes I allow Sabina to cry for a few minutes. I am not an evil mom. I just want to learn to distinguish her types of cries and what each cry communicates.

So far her cries have expressed the following:

Hunger
Pain / Discomfort
Impatience
Shock of waking up alone
Totally new experience and she has no idea what to do (e.g. being in the pram for the first time)

She also has a fake cry which I really, really try very hard not to respond to.

Anyway, as mentioned babies are no cut-and-paste creatures. Books have only told me so much. I think the best things I got from books where about me and how I should handle breastfeeding. I guess, the advice was useful because I know myself and I know how to apply the advice to my body and my life.

Sabina, on the other hand, nobody understands fully yet. We are still getting to know her. I am still in the process of understanding her. For example, she was crying a lot two weeks back and I just kept feeding her. What she actually needed, as Heikki discovered, is to be held and hugged. I felt stupid because I did not understand how I could have missed that! Then again, I have not been a baby (or with a mom) for quite a while.

The process of getting to know her is fun. I am a believer in genetics playing a big role in a person's personality so figuring her out is doable since I know Heikki and myself quite well.

The most fun part of this process is that I rediscover things about myself as well.

We are both growing up. :)

Pope Fiction

2010-11-23T19:18:00.000+02:00

I am so glad that the pope gave a speech saying that condoms are okay to be used if only to prevent HIV.

That's all.

Photo Credit: www.abbaswatchman.com

The Cure

2010-11-21T10:43:00.001+02:00

My bad habits that have been cured since having a baby:

Procrastination - This morning, I saw that a part of the kitchen needed to be cleaned. Whereas before I would delay doing that for later, nowadays, I just go ahead and clean it. I am more aware now that my time is a a bit more limited and I must seize chances to be productive whenever I can.

Internet Addiction - I no longer mindlessly surf because my time online has lessened. I just check on my online social networking sites, my daily Bible reading and a few newspapers. Otherwise, I do not feel the need to go online any longer than I should.

Not Sleeping - Sabina has been a good baby and has allowed us to sleep at least 5 hours in the night for the last week. I now take every chance I get to sleep. I still have to learn to take power naps but at least I do not take the chance to sleep for granted.

Photo Credit: www.sxc.hu

Pacified and Fed

2010-11-17T09:25:00.000+02:00

Over the last few days, Heikki and I have been thinking of whether to use a pacifier or not. So far, we have decided to use it but have never really had the guts to actually give it to her. As a baby, Sabina is quite pacified. She is easier to please than I expected. Her restlessness comes from her need to be held or fed. She does not really cry much. She is quite calm.

So, actually, she does not need a pacifier yet. It is just that sometimes she uses me as a pacifier and that was quite painful. Nowadays, I can bear with it since my body has also somehow (though not completely) adjusted to the breastfeeding routine.

Speaking of breastfeeding, I did not know that being my baby's cow would also mean lots and lots of leakage. I cannot really imagine working during the daytime as a breastfeeding mom. Breast pads can only do so much. Aside from the leakage, you also need to deal with soreness, slight fevers and a little bit of pain. Discomfort is part of the process. Of course, nothing beats the feeling that you are feeding your child but still I can understand why some women (especially working ones) eventually completely revert to formula very early on.

Like I mentioned in a previous post, there are no rules to being a mom. Some would like to believe that there is a cookie cutter way to being a good and loving parent. I realize everyday that there is none.

In a statistics-crazy country like Finland, sometimes it can get frustrating! The other day, there was an article about breastfeeding in the newspaper. The nurse was so against nurses and doctors who recommend adding formula to the baby's diet. She had her reasons and they were valid. However, as in anything, every case is special. The nurses and doctors she judged have more personal relationships to their patients than she does!

Oh well. She has her opinion and I have mine. For now though I need to cut this post short because someone is hungry and it is not me. ;-)

Yay Manny!

2010-11-15T20:32:00.000+02:00

Woot! Manny Pacquiao, the Filipino boxer, won his eighth belt in an eighth category last Sunday. I admit that the fact that he won an eighth belt means absolutely nothing to me because I do not understand how these belts are won or lost. What is clear to me is that Manny won and the Filipinos are happy!

Anyway, though he has a tendency to philander every now and then (which he seems to correct himself from every time), I admire Pacquiao. He has humility, discipline, a strong work ethic and a Filipino sense of humor. Who else can claim to be a prized fighter /congressman /singer /comedian /host on this planet? :-)

Last week, his rendition of John Lennon's "Imagine" with Will Ferrel on the "Jimmy Kemmel Show" went viral. It looked a bit ridiculous how he belted karaoke style considering how he is considered to be the greatest boxer nowadays. However, that is Pacquiao for you! Actually, that is a Filipino boxer for you! We are a funny nation. :)

So anyway, congratulations Manny! You were really good during this fight. It was especially admirable that you didn't keep punching your opponent during the last round out of compassion. As you said, boxing is not for killing people.

Mabuhay ka!

No Poster Baby

2010-11-13T12:10:00.000+02:00

We visited the midwife/nurse yesterday and we were told that Sabina (yep, that is her name) is a healthy baby but a bit underweight. She is half a kilo off to be exact. I cried after I heard that because I felt inadequate. After all, I am her main source of nutrition.

I calmed down soon after because I realized that although I need to change some habits with her (e.g. feeding her small doses more often rather than feeding her in chunks), I must never ever get stressed about statistics and how babies should be. My giving birth was a clear indication that while I have an average functioning human body, I am also very unique. Babies are the same. They are people. They are unique.

Some like crying. Some like sleeping. Some are nice. Some are naughty.

This early on, I can see Sabina's personality, her demeanor and her behavior. I recognize the "I am hungry" cry from the "This is uncomfortable" cry. She is patient in almost everything except about food.

The check-ups are meant to be just they are check-ups. They are not meant to pressure us but to make Heikki and I improve the way we handle things.

The biggest mistake I can make right at this moment is to treat Sabina like a cut-and-paste baby because such a baby does not exist. There are no rules in parenthood except one -- love the child God entrusted you to take care of on earth as much as you can. Everything else follows.

Just Saying

2010-11-12T21:13:00.000+02:00

One day my brain will start working again.

Until then, I would like to give tribute to the persons who invented the dishwasher and the washing machine.

K Thanks Bye.

This post cannot be any more random.

;-)

Moo-my

2010-11-10T18:14:00.000+02:00

I feel like a cow.

I know breastmilk is best for babies but sometimes I feel like crying because it is much tougher work than I originally thought. The first week has been horrible! Between wounded nipples being suckled on by a newborn, leaking breasts in-between sessions and fever due to inflammation, I was exhausted.

There were three times when we had to give her formula because I was really, truly unable to deliver anymore. I felt guilty about it of course. However, I reminded myself that I must take care of both of us EQUALLY.

Right now, things have improved. My body has (more or less) physically adjusted to the situation so that is great step forward to awesomeness. I have also began to accept more and more that my "previous" life has been altered dramatically. My life has taken a huge step forward and that the idea of having a child is no longer an idea. It is reality. It is a fact. It is the here and the now. :-)

I am a moo-my now. For better and for worse, this is and will be my life. :-)

Post-Partum and I

2010-11-07T10:52:00.000+02:00

Three quick things:

Post-partum recovery can be a bitch! It can be a painful process and I was completely unaware of what post-partum would be like until, say, 4 days ago. This is what happens when you don't read up on stuff.

Bibi has been an easy baby thus far. I can still average eight hours of sleep (not continuous) per evening if I wanted to. Of course, sometimes I end up reading instead of sleeping but that is completely my fault not hers. :-)

I have heard of some women getting pregnant in order to "keep their bad guys in their lives." As the wife of a very good man, I can say that girls, do not ever get impregnated by a jerk! Seriously, refer to point no. 1. If Heikki were any less supportive or attentive to both me and Bibi, I could easily slink into post-partum depression. As it is, I am recovering slowly, surely and well partly because I do not have to worry about the many things that Heikki has taken charge of.

The Mommy in Me...

2010-11-02T09:14:00.003+02:00

...is OUT!

On hallow´s eve, a baby girl was born and we can confidently say it is ours. Otherwise, all that pain was not worth it. I must say though that she does not look like me or Heikki. Right now, she looks like an elf. :-)

The story goes like this. My water broke at 6:00 am. I was a bit confused as to when it actually broke because it was the day when we had to turn our clocks forward for winter time! So some watches said it was 7:00, some said it was 6:00. I stuck with what I saw on my mobile phone because it automatically updates the time. I even made a joke about this to the midwife and she laughed. Sense of humor, one point!

Anyway, I called the hospital and they asked if I was having contractions. I said no. They asked if I had a normal pregnancy, I said no. The high blood pressure made things a little bit tricky. So, they asked us to go there.

Being the good patients that we are, we ate breakfast first and showered for a good 90 minutes before rushing there. I mean, why hurry? They said the labor was not starting. I even cleaned the house a bit because coming home to a dirty home after giving birth must be a bitch.

So, we went there and they confirmed that indeed the water broke. But since contractions have not come yet, the labor was not yet in progress. They said that if nothing happens in 24 hours, they would need to induce the process. The best line of the day was: "You won't go home without the baby."

Why was that the best line? Well, because at that point I was 41 weeks or 11 months pregnant! I felt fat, ugly, immobile and bloated. I felt like an overused balloon who could not eat things she wanted to eat. Grrr. Add to that, my hormones were going nuts. The crazy in me surfaced most especially in the last week.

Anyway, when they said that line, we were given our room. I was a bit hungry so after settling in the hospital, we went to Subway because I wanted something full of carbs and Coca-Cola. Hehehe. :-P

Fast forward to 18:00. After Heikki´s parents visited, I felt pain like I have never felt ever. I knew I was in labor! So I called the midwife and she said I was 1 cm dilated. I asked can I get an epidural. She said nope! According to her this process takes at least 12 hours so for now paracetamol should do. (Edit: I found out just now that they gave me the weakest paracetamol possible.)

Although I did not believe her, since really I know my body more than she does, I gladly took the paracetamol. As the pain went from bad to worst in a matter of minutes, I prayed that I can endure the pain. I also asked Heikki to ask the nurse for more painkillers but she said, nope since statistics say you will need to endure this a bit longer. She told me to take a long hot shower and that I did.

Since asking to be drugged was clearly not the answer to my prayers, I prayed again. This time, my brain started working like crazy. Somehow, something told me why this was so darn painful. Since I have decided not to read on the labor process, the "revelation" was a completely new piece of information.

Okay, so the message I got was, every time I felt pain, the pelvic bones are separating and widening in preparation for the birth. At that point, I thought come on! Bones separating? That is one hell of a painful ordeal. So instead of fighting it, I also realized that I should push every time it happens. I have no victory over how God designed the human body. I can only give in.

I also realized that lying down would make the whole ordeal more painful so what I did was I walked (with Heikki holding me since I had no strength) during the process. Then tada! At 8:30, I proved the midwife wrong because the baby was ready to come out! (Take that! You midwife you!) At this point, she kind of panicked because I wanted to walk to the birthing area which was on the same floor but in a different area of the hospital. She literally forced me to sit on the wheelchair which I did not like since it was really much more painful to be seated than to be standing up.

One hour into the delivery, the baby came out. She had to be vacuumed out in the end because she was not in the middle, she was on the right side. There was a bit of complication because her heart rate slowed down everytime she was about to go out. I think the procedure would have otherwise required a caesarian section but since I was oh so efficient at pushing, the baby's head was low enough (i.e. it was there already) to be sucked out. (BTW, I had laughing gas at this point and man oh man, that was a trip!)

Anyway, she came out. She cried. They gave her to me and voila! We were parents to a little miss. She was 3.3 kilos and 50 cm long -- average in Finland, quite big in the Philippines. She looks really Asian btw. There is no hint of her Finnish roots yet. :-)

Back to the story, a few hours after giving birth, I had to shower and they asked me if I needed help. I said no! In retrospect, I should have asked for help because I fainted in the shower! No worries though. They checked up on me quite efficiently. It was my first time to faint so it was quite cool. :-p

So what am I grateful for in the process?

1. I am happy that my water broke first and then I was in labor. I did not want it to be the other way around because I knew I would be too confused otherwise since pain is a part of pregnancy. Now that I know what labor pains are really like, it can go the other way around next time! I really prayed for this and the prayer was answered.

2. I also prayed for a short labor time and it was granted.

3. I prayed that the baby would NOT be born on November and true enough, she came out on the 31st of October which is my favorite month (since I love the autumn).

4. I prayed for the best medical team possible and I think I did get that. They were so calm, kind and cool. Even that crazy, statistics-loving midwife was not so bad! Hahaha.

I have lots of learning points from the experience but the one that stands out the most is this: Medical science is cool and good but nothing, I mean nothing, can really compete with how God created the human body. It is perfect! :-)

So there you go. A brief account of my first time labor experience is yours for the taking. :-)

Library Geek

2010-10-27T08:17:00.001+03:00

One of the best things about living in Helsinki is the public library. Growing up in a country where there are no real good public libraries, I truly appreciate how abundant the collection of libraries here in Finland are.

In the last month, I have read around 15 books, watched DVDs of 3 TV shows and a number of movies all courtesy of the good old public library. The bonus is that we need not buy books and thus, accumulate trash. Thumbs up given by Mother Earth. :)

We have a library near our new home and it is really one of the coziest libraries in the city. Their collection is also good. Though, that does not matter in the end. One can access all the Helsinki City books by reserving them online and they will deliver to the library of your choice. :)

I know this post sounds like a paid advertisement. Hehe. I just want to pay homage to good things in my life and today, the honor belongs to the Helsinki City library.

Clap! Clap!

A Non-Desperate Housewife

2010-10-22T09:54:00.000+03:00

We have officially moved in our new flat last Tuesday. We are not yet settled though. We have to unpack, clean up and so forth. Also, we have yet to finalize the cleaning in our old flat.

Our new flat is in a nice suburban area in Helsinki. True, it is not as accessible to the center as our old flat was but this one feels like a real home.

It is 52 square meters with one bedroom, a kitchen and a living room. It is really nice. We also have a small balcony which would be very handy once the summer comes.

This new move is once again a tick in the list of lifetime milestones. I am approaching 30 and things seem to be getting ticked one by one.

Speaking of 30, I will be taking a year and a half off work to concentrate on mommy and wife duties. The Finnish government gives allowances to moms up to three years. I will take advantage of that. As it is, being a "housewife" is a lot of work! There seems to be a never-ending list of things to do, places to clean, stuff to buy and tasks to plan.

I never thought I would be enjoying staying at home and being the keeper of the house. When I was 18, I was steaming with ambition. I planned to be a diplomat at 30. I thought I would be a single woman, travelling the world but coming back to the Philippines because it is where my home would be.

I thought being a housewife would be a buzzkill. However, it is proving not to be one! It is actually making me happier. This does not mean that I give up on growing the business or my career. I just need to focus and choose right now. At this moment, the choice is to be a missus. It was not a hard choice. It felt very natural when we decided upon it.

So there you go. I am Erica the housewife (for now). Let us see how this adventure goes.

P.S. I will also finish my Master's Degree in Business within the next 18 months. :-)

High Blood

2010-10-19T10:54:00.000+03:00

The last week has been crazy. I was hospitalized for a few days because of high blood pressure! I don't know how this happened because it suddenly just came about just like that. I think it is a genetic condition. After all, I was born during the time my mom had a heart attack.

I am a bit better now. Medication is my friend and praying is my fortress. I am really grateful for the loving friends and family members who took the time to pray for me (and also to tell me that they are praying for me).

The funny yet expected thing is that my blood pressure was at its best when I asked my FB contacts to include us in their prayers. I was under no medication then. Without prayers and with medication, my blood pressure was barely okay.

Anyway, now I have learned another lesson in faith. God does teach His lessons in the most unexpected moments.

10th Month of 2010

2010-10-11T13:03:00.000+03:00

So what have I been up to? Well, the answer is that I have been waiting for Bibi.

I have had the busiest spring ever and now I am having the laziest fall. Life moves fast. The directions God wants me to take are sometimes unpredictable. If I were to write the year that was, I would say it started of boring, then it became crazy, then it became calm. Wonder what the next two months has in store for me?

I am pretty sure big changes will happen. Obviously, I am going to take on a new role! I freak out every now and then but I am in confident basically due to God's grace.

My thought and growth process has been accelerated this year, I must say. It is a shame I seem to be blogging less because I just can't seem to string sentences together when I have those "Eureka" moments. Another reason is that sometimes, the realizations are too private to be blogged about. I think micro-blogging has also made me less of a macro-blogger. In any case, this blog is my online home. I do not think I will ever stop inputting thoughts in here. :-)

So back to topic. I am just waiting, waiting and waiting. I am generally confused if I am handling this whole pregnancy well. I am even more confused as to whether I am experiencing labor contractions or the practice ones. The whole pregnancy is a bizzare miracle. It can make a woman crazy and I am so not surprised that post-partum exists.

Right now, I just ask you dear reader of this blog, whether I know you or not to pray for the waiting and the delivery process. I have great belief in the power of prayers! :-)

Thumbs Up!

2010-10-05T09:51:00.000+03:00

Pregnancy has brought out the TV junkie in me that I have suppressed for six or seven years now. I have no idea what is cool, what is not. I still think shows like Friends, Gilmore Girls, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Ally McBeal, The Practice and Dawson's Creek are fairly new. Obviously, their time stamps have outlasted my delusion, hehe.

I recently discovered The Good Wife (as mentioned in my previous post). Among the shows I have been watching lately, this has been the best one! It is a legal drama, with a touch of political intrigue and personal family issues. On top of the good plot, the actors hired to play their roles are well-cast. They are superb! All in all, this makes the show an excellent TV series.

So thumbs up to this show! I rarely blog about TV shows because I do not know how relevant it would look like in 50 years when I am reviewing my life, hehe. But, this one just deserved one teeny tiny post in my little online home. ;-)

Photo Source: www.falltvpreview.com

Just a Phase

2010-10-01T09:32:00.001+03:00

I do not know why but I have enjoying crime novels, movies and TV series A LOT lately. It feels like that is all I ever read and watch. For example, right after I put one book down, I start another immediately.

I hope this has no effect on Bibi whatsoever! I mean, even if she ends up being one of the good guys like becoming a member of the police or the FBI, I do not think I can handle her having a job so close to danger.

I recently discovered the works of Michael Connely. I like his style of writing -- simple-worded, exciting and witty. I mean, it is no candidate for the Nobel Prize for Literature but it is entertaining and smart enough.

I also discovered good shows like The Mentalist, Without a Trace and The Good Wife. Some of these are old already! Remember though that we do not have a TV and I need to borrow or buy DVDs in order to watch them. :-)

Anyway, I like this phase of liking crime fiction and all. Makes me think a lot, you see. I just hope I outgrow it before I become suspicious of everyone around me. ;-)

Photo source: www.sxc.hu

Watching Lola

2010-09-25T10:21:00.000+03:00

I had the privilege to watch fellow Filipino's film "Lola" yesterday at the Helsinki International Film Festival. It was such a thrill for me to realize that one of our own films was being shown here in Finland! The whole experience was very new to me. I know this sounds stupid but I have been in Finland for six years and yet it is the first time I realized that Rakautta ja Anarkiaa was actually an international film festival. Big DUH moment.

Anyway, the film was made by one of the best albeit non-commercial directors from the Philippines - Brillante Mendoza. He is a very acclaimed director. He has already won the Best Director award in the Cannes Film Festival. Something that not many thought one of our people can ever achieve. :-)

Now back to the movie and the entire experience of watching it. It was quite nice to experience watching an "art film" in Europe because the movie theater we watched it in was very much non-commercial. It was in a room inside a bar. There were many seats though and the theater was packed! I think only two of us were Filipino and the rest were from different parts of the world so that was kind of cool since it meant that Mendoza was known in the film circle. :-)

The movie was about two grandmothers. One was the grandmother of a homicide victim and the other was the grandmother of the killer. The story showed how these two heavily-impoverished women dealt with the circumstance handed to them.

One would think that a plot like this would emphasize the experience of two women on opposite sides of the coin. The brilliance of the movie is that the two women were actually standing on the same side. They were both victims of poverty.

The movie had way too many layers for me to dissect. Plus, it is both simple and complicated that I really cannot express much about it using the finite set of words. I certainly won't expound on the artistic merit of the film because I am just not schooled in that. I just know that once again my heart was opened up to the reality of how poverty is the biggest curse of this world.

The question is and will always be: what am I doing about it?

Photo Source: www.starmometer.com

Ralph the Man

2010-09-24T09:38:00.000+03:00

Last Wednesday, I was able to attend the small book launching of Ralph Nader, a former US presidential candidate and the US Green Party head. I wanted to see him in person to relive the days when I was really and truly concerned about American politics. I was an avid watcher of all the US cable news networks that were fed live to our cable providers in Manila.

Anyway, it was good to hear him talk about consumerism, American politics, history and so forth. He seems like a smart man. Some of the good points he let go of, that I took note of are written below. I must put a disclaimer though that these are not verbatim.

First, reduce. Then, reuse. If nothing else, recycle.

Trust in the wisdom of those in the developing countries to solve their own problems. Where did micro-finance come from? Wasn't it from there? Sometimes, all this talk about the IMF making policies is ridiculous.

I have very low regard of Obama because Bush had an excuse. He was ignorant. What is Obama's excuse for acting so slowly? He is a conflict avoider and has very low political fortitude.

After the talk, I was blessed enough to buy the last copy of his book called "Only the Super Rich can Save Us." The premise of the book looks interesting and I am looking forward to learn something of it. He also signed the copy which is quite cool. He is not that famous but still, he is more famous than me! Haha. :-p

I do not know if I buy completely into his politics but at least his views on consumerism is something that appeals to me. :-)

Photo Source: www.sevenstories.com

Plans

2010-09-21T11:25:00.000+03:00

We have been discussing the possibility of moving out of Finland for some time now. Lately, the discussions have become more serious because we are finally clearing some obligations out of the way. For example, Heikki will be done with his military service in 2012.

One of the top countries on our list is Spain. Heikki is very fond of Spanish and I think Spanish will be fairly easy to learn for me. Plus, it seems like a good place to be entrepreneurial. The culture is somewhat similar to the Filipino one and the food is just as greasy. Hahaha.

We are praying about our next moves and are confident that we will be led to the right country at the right time. Until then, I need to enjoy Finland and all things Finnish. BTW, I am also gearing up to apply for the citizenship in 2011.

Hopefully, all our plans are also God's plans for us. :)

Small Number

2010-09-16T09:26:00.001+03:00

I have been having loads of thoughts about life the past few days but never got around to blogging them. I guess I have a self-imposed censorship going on because I feel some thoughts are too personal to publicly muse about. All the thoughts (or actually most of them) have been positive. There is very little need to hide them except that I do not want to sound too preachy lest I suffer from feeling too wise. Hahaha.

The thoughts have been centered on healing and life. Now that I am as big as a ball with an angel in my tummy, my reflection points have been revolving around my childhood and how I can use the things I have learned in my impending adventure of parenthood. I know this sounds arrogant but I think I will be a good parent. Some people might think I am immature and stuff like that but the truth is they do not know who I am now. They have pieces of me stuck in their memory and because they do not really take interest in getting to know how I have evolved, they hold on to images of the past.

In any case, I do not really care, hehe. I do not know why. I just accept my apathy (for lack of a better term) as a blessing because trying to please people is pointless. I can count with one hand family members whom I can trust. I can count with two hands friends whom I can really, really count on through sickness and health. The number seems very small, no? Nevertheless, I feel very happy and very peaceful. :-)

In spite of the small number, I can say that right now I have no bitterness towards others in my heart. I am just blessed with something called peace recently. I just plan to savor and enjoy this feeling because I was unfamiliar with this feeling before. Hehehe. :-P

Blessings come in the strangest of moments. :-)

The Cleaner

2010-09-08T09:48:00.000+03:00

The best way to learn how to take care of the household is to get pregnant! I never thought all these "nesting" theories would hold true when I first found out I was pregnant but man oh man, they are! I have never been this enthusiastic about taking care of the household.

The human body and mind are wonderful, miraculous things.

Two Sentences

2010-09-03T08:40:00.001+03:00

Today I want to play Scrabble. That's all. :-)

Photo Source: http://www.chocolatemintsinajar.com/

Out of Nowhere

2010-09-02T10:45:00.000+03:00

Source: www.textually.org

Being a Christian, the concepts of karma, universe and energy are not legitimate to me. One being rules over life and given the first sentence I know you know who I mean. Hahaha. :-P

However, I do believe that you reap what you sow but what you reap is not dependent on you. It is dependent on why God thinks you should sow as well as when and how He wants you to sow. He is in control and one can only trust His wisdom.

Sometimes people ask me why I believe in what I believe and the answer is really grace. Whereas before, the Bible was just a bunch of words put stringed together by authors, nowadays I really feel it to be a message from God. It is a weird phenomenon because these feelings and belief cannot and will not be explained by words or comprehended by the brain alone. Clicking on clichés, understanding the words there really require a special favor or grace.

For example, this morning I read in Proverbs that "the righteous will never go hungry." I understood it. I believe in it. I know, though, that others will argue about the good people in Africa dying of malnutrition.

But, how can I argue logically about something that is such a personal revelation? I can only change my attitude and my course of actions but really, arguing with me about semantics of my faith is a lost cause. There may be times I will say something but never because I am provoked but because I feel moved by Him to speak.

Maybe people will think I am a pushover or stupid but as of now, I do not really care. I have much too many things to learn than to care about how people perceive me to be.

Right now, I even wonder why I am blogging about this whole subject. Thus, the title of the entry. I guess this is where the "being moved to do so" part comes in. Hehe. ;-)

Life is strange.

Life Has Two Sides

2010-08-30T09:32:00.000+03:00

Many Filipinos think that just because someone is abroad he or she lives a very charmed life. As a person who has been living in Europe for some time now, I would say the charmed life is an illusion created by people who romanticize foreign lands.

A lot of people have the habit of comparing incomes of people who live abroad and of those "stuck" in the Philippines. Of course, when you convert a stronger currency, then the ones abroad seem to have an upper hand money-wise. People do not realize that costs of living play a huge factor in how salaries within each country is computed. Everything is relative.

I feel that sometimes that people assume I live an easy life here. Well, to be truthful, maybe I do. Not because we are swimming in money (because believe me we are not) but because we are happy with what we have. We live within our means. We save on stuff. We think long term. We work hard. We budget. We don't complain. We count everything as a blessing. More importantly, we do not compare our lives with that of others.

So the next time, I hear someone assuming that just because we live abroad, we have better lives, please consider that our attitude and our perspective make our lives better, not our bank accounts.

Almost a Break from the Drama

2010-08-29T10:07:00.001+03:00

On Tuesday, I realized that God must really have a special favor for the Philippines. In spite of the disastrous hostage taking on Monday (which we are still reeling from as a nation), He has given us something to temporarily lift our spirits up. On Tuesday, our beauty pageant crazed country got the thrill of our lives when we placed fifth in the recently-concluded Miss Universe.

Photo Source: www.gmanews.tv

I am not discounting the gravity of the hostage-taking but it was nice to have something that people can smile about. People found this particularly amusing because the candidates' answer to the question included the words major, major which trended on Twitter for a day or two. I think you have to be Filipino to get the humor in that repeated word. :)

However, half-a-day after the win, people started analyzing the hostage-taking failure that was. It is really sad because now we have an unofficially strained relationship with China. I could not blame them because they have seen how incompetent our police were with handling the situation.

I just really pray that this major, major police flop would serve as a real lesson to everyone in our country. We allow far too many mistakes to go unnoticed. Our police force is corrupt. We have bullies running the place. We allow them to be corrupt as well because we bribe them over traffic offenses and minor altercations so that we can scathe away from responsibility.

I still have hope for our country though I think we are very good people misguided by a wrong sense of forgiveness and humanity. I have always maintained that we forgive too easily. We forget major, major mistakes because we are caught up with our compassion and kindness.

But maybe this, and a long string of incidents in the recent past, would finally awaken us. We ~~need to~~ must learn our lesson pronto.

Once again, I am starting with me. What do I need to change in order to make things right? A question to end this entry with.

Hostaged Mind

2010-08-26T11:07:00.000+03:00

Last Monday, the Philippines was gripped by a hostage drama taking place in Manila. A former police officer who felt that he was unduly sacked from the service, decided that the best way to make his pleads heard was by highjacking a tourist bus full of Chinese tourists.

Photo credit: http://www.cbc.ca/

Unfortunately, the hostage ended with several tourists and the hostage taker dead. The incident was largely blamed on the police force who was clearly undertrained to handle such situations.

It was a sad moment for the whole country who watched the whole event as it unfolded LIVE on their television screens. It was like watching a movie except this was no movie. This was real life and real people were dying violently.

It was also a moment of shame because the world world saw how incompetent the whole situation was handled. It took forty minutes for the SWAT team to break into the bus and by that time many people were dead. The live coverage of the media did not help either for the hostage taker had access to TV.

A few days after the event, the whole country is still reeling from the consequences. Citizens of Hongkong expressed anger and contempt towards the Philippines. Hate pages against us has been put up and some Filipino maids have been fired because of the understandable anger.

As our nation comes to grip with the consequences of our blunder, I just pray that we learn our lesson. We must invest in our police force. We must fight corruption so that the resources go to the right places. We should ingraine values in our youth so that when they some of them become policemen, they will fight the temptation of being corrupt. We have a lot of things to do.

There are many fingers pointed all over the place nowadays in Manila. Who is to blame? Who made the biggest mistake? Why did the negotiators fail? Who the hell trained that SWAT team that was clearly not good enough for the job?

Right now, I point my finger at me. Even though I am miles away from the whole incident, I know that I also harbor thoughts of bribery and corruption. I know I have done my share to make the whole country corrupt to the very core.

I also know I am doing my best to make it better.

Right now, all I want to say is that I am sorry to the families of all the innocent victims and to the nation of Hongkong.

Thought Bots

2010-08-23T10:28:00.000+03:00

We are preparing to move to our new place in October and as such, we have been slowly packing away our stuff. As a consequence of packing, I am also throwing away more clothes. I just threw away 70% of my clothes last year and here I am once again throwing away more. I really will not buy cheap high fashion but rather quality ones (preferably from second hand stores). Clothes, especially bad quality ones, are a waste of money and a waste of environmental resources.

Thanks to Twitter, I am super updated with what's hot and what's not in the Philippines. Sure, newspapers are still useful sources of information but Twitter is real-time. Some hot topics nowadays include the legalization of divorce. We are one of two countries who do not allow couples to divorce. The (main) basis? Our catholicism. Personally, I think they should pass the Divorce Law. Though I am a Christian, I believe things like divorce should be allowed by the state and if the religious sect does not allow it, then the couple needs to seek a second set of permission from their religious order.

I re-watched the movie "Stranger than Fiction." I remember the movie to be so eye opening when I was 25 or something. Four years later, I could not relate to the main characters anymore. It is a bit funny how time really changes who you are and how you view things.

As a consequence of my bed rest, I have been able to relax and enjoy life. The abdominal or uterine (?) pain has lessened and/or subsided. I think the pain was aggravated by stress. Now I am less stressed and more able to accept that my role for the next few weeks is to be a pregnant woman. Sometimes, I wonder if my career is really to become a housewife and a mom. I feel so anti-type A these days. I am happy to be at home these days -- cleaning, surfing, reading and fixing stuff.

Package

2010-08-18T11:24:00.000+03:00

Today, I received a note that I can now pick up the maternity package which the Finnish government gives to all expectant moms. Sometimes I get annoyed that I am not in the Philippines for this whole experience but there are times I am happy to be here. This is one of those times.

So today I am happy. Great feeling. :-)

Today's Lesson

2010-08-13T10:12:00.001+03:00

I have been reading about generational curses. As much as others think this is imagined, I feel this is real. I have seen it affect my parents and I personally want to be free from the fear of many, many things.

So now I am just browsing through the website linked and I am learning a lot of new, cool things about God, the Bible, myself and life.

Very good vibes.

Music

2010-08-12T11:01:00.001+03:00

I sold out once more and got Spotify!

Now, I can listen to any song I want and make a personal playlist. I can even listen to it offline! Woot.

I heard very few countries can download Spotify for now so I feel blessed.

If only for Spotify, today I am giddy.

Pregnant Thoughts

2010-08-08T09:41:00.001+03:00

I have been pregnant for the last few months. In a way it has been fast and in more ways it has been slow. I guess because this is my first, I am paranoid like no words can describe. Every bite taken, every gallon gulped and every action done is thought of. Sometimes they are thought of way too much.

I am paranoid. I know this sounds rehashed but it has something to do with having a mom dying very early in life. It does cause a certain fear and insecurity in the heart and in the mind. I know I am getting over this on a daily basis but you cannot really delete stuff like that in an instant. It is a long process. I am confident that I will be able to get through this though. I do not intend to get stuck and I have lots of help from the Dude upstairs.

Anyway, we have not thought of a name for the baby yet. We have dabbled back and forth but somehow something is always wrong. I do have my preference but I think it will change once more when I see the baby. I am a big fan of seeing the baby first and then naming him or her accordingly.

One thing about this pregnancy that I will always share is that there is a HUGE difference with regards to how Filipino doctors and Finnish doctors treat a pregnant woman. Both sets are capable and both sets are good. However, they have different styles. While the Finnish doctor is highly scientific and clinical, the Filipino ones are highly sensitive. It is good to have a mixture of both. One is too calm and one is too caring. I like the mix and the idea that I am getting the best of two worlds.

I am now just on the final few stretches. I hope you join me in prayer for good health. I know God hears prayers and the more people who pray, the better. :-)

Ethical Eating

2010-08-03T07:54:00.001+03:00

Yesterday, Heikki and I saw the documentary Food Inc. It was about how ~~evil~~ corporate America is basically manipulating the whole food production and how in the interest of profit, they have forced farmers to create these genetically modified food groups. The content of the movie was pretty expected but it does not make it less disturbing.

A day before we saw the movie, my friends and I were talking about ethical eating. Apparently, we should not eat too much salmon because it was on the orange list of the WWF. We then talked about what we should be eating and when. For example, eating Finnish cucumbers in the winter is just as bad as eating Spanish ones because growing veggies in the greenhouse is as bad for Mama Nature as buying imported ones.

This conversation got me thinking of my eating habits. I must admit now that I do not think I will ever be 100% ethical in my food choices. It is way too hard to consider everything. However, I know that I have already made simple choices to make sure that I do my share in saving this planet. Small steps at a time eventually become accumulated steps.

I am not giving up on the possibility of making a bigger impact though. I mean, I was in the Philippines for three weeks and shopped very little. It was partly because I just did not want to add more stuff to my already cramped closet. The more I buy, the more they need to produce, the more they need to source materials from the planet. An additional perk is that I also saved money. I think that is a good deal!

Anyway, there are so many things to improve about me and the way I live. The exciting thing about life is that you never stop learning and I really want to just let my brain work all the time. I believe that the idle mind is indeed the devil's playground as experienced and observed by me. Thus, I really want to just learn, learn, learn and hopefully leave a positive impact on the planet.

Resolved

2010-07-30T11:26:00.000+03:00

After a three-week vacation, I am strategically pacing myself to go back to normal life. I try to do at least three work-related things daily so that eventually I can do five, then six, then seven, then ten! I know now that I should not force the issue of productivity because I have a tendency to burn out both in the short and the long terms.

During my trip, I came up with my five-year plan which I do not want to share online. I know it is unfair to tease you about it but I do not feel comfortable broadcasting it via this blog. If I know you personally, I will be more than happy to share it with you on another platform. :-)

Speaking of goals, I have revisited my new year's resolutions and I have failed on some of them already. I have not learned new recipes weekly, for example. I must check on them and push through with the ones that I am constantly doing something about. :-) I am not beating myself up over the failed resolutions because life intervened (e.g. I got pregnant). I refuse to let my "everything has to be perfect" mindset stop me from achieving the ones that I can reach. You know there were times in my life when I gave up on everything just because I failed to reach one or two points of my goals. I read that this is very common for those who have a "fixed mindset" about goals. I am glad I grew out of that mode and am becoming more and more relaxed and flexible.

I am growing up everyday. I am still not close to the person I should be but I do improve little-by-little. Though I must admit growth can sometimes be painful. However, the pain is worth it because it does make me a better person. :-)

So there you go. I am Little Miss Grown Up. Cheers to that!

Now not Later

2010-07-28T12:58:00.000+03:00

I bought a book in the HK airport on our way back to Helsinki. The book is called "Procastination." I bought the book because no matter how good I look on paper, in reality I am a mess and a major procastinator.

I usually like borrowing books from the library (due to economical and ecological reasons) but after browsing through this book, I knew I needed to have a copy in my library. Apparently, some reasons why people procastinate include fear of success and fear of failure. To both I can relate. Unfortunately, I cannot really share more of the reasons they gave because I am still in the first two chapters of the book. I can already feel though that this is one of those books I will always remember the content of. It is a very good read. It is riddled with examples and the language used is not complicated at all.

The book is classified as self-help and as much as I shunned that category years ago, I really am happy I bought this one. :)

In Heat

2010-07-27T12:42:00.000+03:00

Back in Helsinki.

I cannot believe it is much hotter here than in Manila a mere 24 hours ago. I would want to blog more but this heat is disabling me from thinking normally.

Just wanted to shout out that we are home. Until later, alligators.:-)

Just a Quick Hello

2010-07-08T07:57:00.000+03:00

We are now in the land of kare-kare and P.Noy.

Just saying.

More thoughts to come later! For now, I want to enjoy our respite from our normal lives. :)

Thera-prayer

2010-06-29T10:10:00.000+03:00

My bad mood days are behind me. I cannot credit hormones completely though. There were circumstances which really, really pissed me off.

It was a good thing that we attended church last Sunday. The topic was about religious law and how people, over the years, misinterpreted God's commands as pure legalism. In the end, what is real is that God's grace is freely offered to those who desire it and in Him freedom is achieved.

So how is all this babble connected to my bad mood no more? Simple. I once again relearned to protect my mind from worries, fears, anxiety and stress through prayer. The prayer is simple really. I just call on Jesus to protect my mind every time there is an evil attack. Voila. It is not magic. It is a miracle!

It is a miracle because I am a worry-wart by nature. I think the death of my mom early on in my life has caused me post-traumatic stress disorder. I just read about it in a magazine recently and while I am not self-diagnosing, some of the symptoms, I can relate to. For example, I am stressed about things that have not happened. I have noticed how different my behavior is against my husband who is cool about a lot of things. I am surmising this is not merely a personality difference but one based on personal history.

I am just glad though that my main weapon against all this mind stuff is prayer. Years ago, I would have prioritized therapy. Now, I think it is not the primary solution but simply one of the better second options. :-)

Once Again in Gists

2010-06-26T12:51:00.001+03:00

We saw the movie "Up in the Air" on DVD ast week and I was pleasantly surprised. I enjoyed the movie a lot in spite of the fact that I am not in the same place as the main character is i.e. in transit. I guess, this is one of those movies you kind of connect with no matter what state of life you are in. I really liked how the movie explored the "in-between" phases of people. You know that feeling? You are not lost, but you are not found either. I think metaphorically representing that with being on planes all the time, travelling and so forth was super cool.

---

We forgot our wedding anniversary last week and it was kind of funny. We have never been the holidays kind of couple. We do not wait for birthdays to buy gifts. We don't follow the norms of whatever the holiday requires. We do what we feel like doing and I think that is kind of refreshing. Anyway, like I mentioned before, everyday is like our anniversary. There is no need to make one day more special than the other because personally, occassions just stress me out. I would rather not celebrate than be stressed.

---

I have been shopping a lot lately. I think this baby will be such a girly-girl. I am doing things that I do not normally do like wear make up on a daily basis, buy expensive clothes and read loads of fashion magazines. If my current behavior is any indication to the baby's future personality, then the baby will be fashion-conscious. Can you spell YIKES?

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Today is MIDSUMMER in Finland. People are in their cottages enjoying the longest day of the year. We are stuck at home, watching movies, pigging out on bacon (my current obssession) and doing some work. Like I said a while back, our traditions during holidays is not to be on a holiday. :-P

Montage

2010-06-23T17:06:00.000+03:00

Press forward.

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Summer is my least favorite season. I have realized how much I love living in Helsinki in the fall. The rain, the changing leaves, the wind, the coats and the cold is what suits me most. I guess I am more like fall as a person. I am not overly cheery but not overly depressed either.

---

The last few days I have literally and figuratively felt myself getting older. I have gone on shopping trips lately because I just realized that I need to update my wardrobe to suit my age, my present state and myself. Unlike most women, I am not afraid of getting old, looking old and being old. I want to get old and senile.

---

I really like listening to Alicia Keys´ New York State of Mind. The song has practically brainwashed me because I am now dreaming of going to the Big Apple. :-)

---

I have to get myself together. I feel so weird lately and I have minimal clues as to why. The simple explanation has got to be that I am hormonal. Pregnancy does not elicit calm and peace in me. Somehow it has brought forth turmoil. I just need a vacation and an escape for some time. Our trip next week could not have come at a better time.

---

Press play and pause.

Lump in My Heart

2010-06-19T08:57:00.003+03:00

This morning I woke up feeling guilty. I felt guilty because I feel that I have NOT been using God's generous blessings well. Sure, I give to charitable cases but I know that I have not done enough to use the talents, opportunities, skils and networks that God has given me. This is the current lump in my heart.

I was reading the Bible today. I was particularly reading the book of Ezekiel where God, in so many words, has extended His disappointment with His chosen people. I felt like He was speaking to me not because of the obvious anger in His voice but because of the obvious disappointment. I just wonder how pleased God is with me. I feel that I am one lucky girl in spite of my many trials. The good things outweigh the bad things in my balance sheet. I mean, come on, I am pretty smart. That in itself is a super blessing.

I do not claim to be a genius but I think my memory is one of the best out there. Without much effort, I get good grades in class. I understand complex issues and am able to communicate them well.

I have my flaws intelligence-wise of course. I mean for the love of me, I will never be able to read a map! Still, I think I am pretty okay in the brain department.

Aside from the brain, I have the personality and the charm. As much as I hate to sound like I am bragging, I have to say that I am one hell of a charmer (if I want to be). The downside of having charm is that I can also be very uncharming as well. In any case, if I want to use it, I can. I rarely fade in the background. Even if I wanted to, it never works. Case in point was college where I planned to be anonymous only to be elected "the most loved" by my batchmates. Charm is one gift not all can claim to have. I have it. I am blessed.

I have many more gifts to list down but my question du jour is: AM I USING THEM WELL? I think not. I am still where I am. I make obvious mistakes. I still choose to watch YouTube over working. I still complain about things that are solvable. I still cry over spilled milk.

I still am a work in progress but the problem is I am so not contributing to the workload. I expect God to take over too much. It is silly and stupid. It is a mistake.

I plan to correct my mistakes and this blog entry is the first step to many corrections.

On Blogging

2010-06-14T10:04:00.002+03:00

I have been blogging for a long time now and it feels like an integral part of my existence. When I look at old blog posts, I sometimes cannot recognize the writer behind them. Through my old blogs, I see facets and phases of myself. I admit it is embarassing at times to read how ~~immature~~ ignorant I sound. However, that is how life is. Ignorance is part of growing up. Sometimes though I wish I did not have to make so many mistakes to finally learn.

My mom died when I was 12 and I realized that I took a lot of experiential twists and turns because I had to learn on my own. Having less parental guidance does have an effect on people. I always believed it was just a nice theory but when I observe how friends with complete set of parents have lived their lives, there is a difference. What those differences are, I don´t want to expound on because I still have no complete clue what I am talking about! Harhar.

I am just glad I grow up a bit everyday and I have a blog to remind me of that.

Tripping Baby

2010-06-11T09:09:00.004+03:00

The trip to Spain was so worth it after months and months of life-changing moments, hard work and stress. It was a 4-day reprieve from our daily existence. It would have been more relaxing if our luggage did not get lost upon arrival in Barcelona and if my flight back to Helsinki was not cancelled. I had to stay one night in Denmark which I would have not minded under normal circumstances. However, I actually rebooked the flight precisely because I needed to be back on Sunday. Fortunately, I was able to meet my 4pm Monday appointment in Helsinki.

Anyway, the trip was Madame Kononen´s (our baby´s working title) first trip out of the country. It was also when I felt it to be very active. I guess it will be born a traveller which to my future chagrin would worry me much!

In less than three weeks we will be on a plane to Manila. I am excited to eat Filipino food. Since I got pregnant, I have lost appetite to Finnish food. This maybe explains the small weight gain I have had so far. At five months, I can stil easily hide my belly. Sure it is there but it is not ginormous. If you did not know, you would just think I am fat (or inflicted with a stomach worm).

Changes are really happening in my life no? I am sometimes caught aback by all that is happening. All the changes have been good though. No matter how bad they are in the onset, they turn out a-okay in the long run. Maybe it is also because I have changed that change seems so normal.

Does that sound clear? Maybe not. Who cares! I have changed and I trust it is for the better. I have many quirks to work out but trying to improve just makes my life more exciting.

Not Carried Away

2010-06-03T10:06:00.004+03:00

Yesterday, I saw the sequel of the Sex and the City movie franchise. I remember how fun the first one was so even though I had qualms about watching this one, I agreed to do so when a friend invited me.

The movie started off quite nicely. The thesis being about marriage and how afraid Carrie was about having a boring marriage was interesting. I was almost happy I went to the movie until they travelled to Dubai and the movie started to become a bad travel documentary.

I do not want to delve into details lest I spoil the movie for some of you but man, was I annoyed after the movie! I summarize my disappointment with two words: cultural disrespect.

May I also say that Sarah Jessica Parker is NOT ageing well? She is a poster child for those that want to say that smoking DOES catch up on a person one day.

Ho-well. Maybe this movie should be the end of the whole phenomenon which caught the world by some weird storm in the late 1990's! GASP! That seems ages ago, yeah?

On an almost related topic, having the hindsight of maturity, I just wish the show also consciously taught the audience more about STDs and the necessity of safe sex. Being a modern woman also means being an informed woman. As adults we know that all TV shows represent a heightened sense of reality. I doubt however that teenagers do. They are impressionable and are unfortunately the ones who like watching TV the most!

Anyway, today we fly to Barcelona for a quick weekend getaway. And the connection of that with this entry? NADA! :-P

Torn in Between Countries

2010-05-25T15:13:00.002+03:00

Now that the Philippine elections are over and a new administration is ushering in, I cannot help but feel a sense of hope. I am hoping that maybe within the next six years, God would bless our country enomously and finally start a process of unity among our people.

Lately, I have been feeling that I should be in the Philippines. Much change is needed there and modesty aside, I feel I can contribute actively to that change. I belong to the right networks and I know I have the proper skills, education and work experience. For now though (with the new baby and all) I am stuck in Finland. I don't exactly know for sure where God wants me right now but I am sure that God wants Heikki to be in Finland now. Since I am a dutiful wife (as the Bible accords), I stay here.

Then again, why do I stay here? The Finnish economy does not seem to be going anywhere special whilst the Philippine one seems headed for a boom sometime soon. It seems opportunities, blessings and life are in Asia! Why am I in Finland with all the cold winters, the destabilized Euro and the distance from my close family and friends?

I do not know the answer and my posting here is just a way for me to record thoughts of uncertaintly. I want to be in the Philippines and make a difference yet I need to be in Finland to be a good wife and mom. Fact is, in Finland, my basic needs as a mom are covered because I will receive monthly allowances from the government. That is something I cannot count on in Manila.

Sigh. I end this post for those four letters because answers will come in the future. Until the answers come, I just pray God will give me the grace and blessing needed to remain patient.

Woosh

2010-05-25T07:55:00.004+03:00

I am currently in the thick of my thesis. I am nowhere near making sense of it but I am going out and doing the interviews. I am excited where the whole process leads me to. I know the road to that final thesis is rough and tricky. I do have the confidence that I have enough self-discipline to see it through.

Okay, I know this is a boring update but really all my brain cells are being used for something else other than this blog. A huhu moment I know! My life is whirling and all I can say is woosh!

I will *try* to blog better next time. For now my life revolves around BREAKFAST! Yummy yum. :-P

Pretty Cool

2010-05-18T12:32:00.003+03:00

Today, I decided that instead of turning to social networking sites whenever I am overwhelmed by stress, I should turn to God. So, starting at this minute, I am "banning" myself from these sites until June.

Anyway, today as I was plunging myself "for the last time" on Twitter, I saw a link about FB privacy. So, I wanted to see if the privacy settings of my FB profile work. I then googled my name + facebook.

Lo and behold what showed up was my name on Huffington Post, ABC News, CBS News, Boston.com and many more! I clicked on one of the links and what showed was a published version of my suggestion to the new Philippine president in his "Dear Noynoy" Facebook page.

Here is the link to the article.

My name will probably be published on US media only once in my lifetime and I think it is a pretty cool thing! In Filipino, kinilig ako. :-)

Thoughts on Pregnancy

2010-05-16T09:40:00.003+03:00

On the very day that Heikki and I felt God's direction for us to try to have a baby, God decided that it was time for me to be impregnated. For some strange reason, I felt conception happening inside of me. It is a very unfamiliar stomach pain and somehow I knew that God has already blessed us with a child.

The feeling was confirmed by a pregnancy test taken on Heikki's birthday. Needless to say, I did not have to buy him a birthday gift. Hehe.

Now, four months into the process, I am getting a bit impatient. The whole process of being pregnant takes so much time! I know that it is God's handiwork and I need to trust how He has created things. However, when you are in this situation, it is different.

There are moments of paranoia over things eaten. I can tell you now that Heikki's patience have been tested so many times because he needed to deal with me asking away about dietary requirements.

There are also moments of sadness. I think it is the hormones kicking in but sometimes I just want to lie in bed and eat ice cream. I wallowed myself in TV dramas for a few days as well. Yesterday, I decided to look up sad videos on YouTube and cried my eyeballs out!

Of course, there are days of excitement and bliss. Imagine, we will have a new person in the family! Woot! Talk about fun, fun, fun! I realize that a baby is not something I can keep in the closet when the novelty and fun runs out. I am not saying it is all going to be fun but at least I expect happy moments. :-)

There are also moments when my faith is tested because irrational fears kick in.

Anyway, maybe this is why it takes nine months. It is not just because the baby is physically developing. It is also because the parents need to be developed as well. Otherwise, we would take having a child lightly and forget that parenthood is made up of many moments of paranoia, fear, sadness, joy, excitment and fun. I am not dreading being a mom. I am just realistic that it won't be balloons and songs all the times. Sometimes it will be about dark clouds and lightnings.

I just have faith that since God decided we are ready to be parents, that I we are at a point in our lives that we can string those moments together into one beautiful montage.

Yellow Fever

2010-05-09T09:02:00.002+03:00

Philippine elections are scheduled tomorrow, the 10th of May. As an overseas voter, I was required to send my ballot way before. I voted for the Noy-Mar team simply because I believe in them.

I know that this year's elections seem to be making everyone's blood boil. Personally, I believe that whoever wins is the one whom God has chosen to win. If there will be massive cheating, it will be found out and corrected.

So, I think all of us should just cool down and see that the real enemy is not the other team. The enemy is evil. If there is massive cheating in these elections (which is not a far possibility), we all lose.

Sentences

2010-04-29T15:25:00.002+03:00

I cannot really come up with real, comprehensive paragraps but here are a bunch of sentences that are getting doodled in my heart:

I should never ever question whether God understands me because He was the one who created me. My flaws are known to Him and He loves me just as I am.

God's plan is super duper good. The way He molds me into becoming the person I am supposed to be is beyond words. Sometimes it is hard to trust that He wants only what is good for me during the bad moments. When this happens I need to hold on to the fact that He has always been right when it comes to my life.

A lot of unhappy people spend a great deal blabbering that they are happy.

The only way to earn money is to give it away.

The ones who like judging other people are the ones who are conscious about being judged.

Truly arrogant people will never be successful entrepreneurs no matter what Donald Trump says. There is a difference between confidence and arrogance, you see.

Home can be two places at the same time.

True friends are pillars of one's strength and you will never know who they are until you have hit rock bottom.

That is all blokes (meaning blog folks)!

Impact

2010-04-22T17:19:00.003+03:00

There was a time in my life when everyone around me was talking about impact. How to make an impact to the world was the no. 1 question. People's ideas ranged from saving the moon to saving the earth. Mine was very simple. I wanted to be a good mom.

That was in 2005. I actually entered a contest and won a thousand dollars because I answered that my greatest impact would be by being a good mom. I knew back then that this was not all lip service and it would be really nice if all this came into fruition once this baby is born.

There are many days during this pregnancy when I feel that I am doing something wrong. Do I drink enough water? Do I eat enough fruits? Do I eat too much bagoong? However, by the grace of God, I am not as paranoid as I thought I would be. I am just ok. I think this in itself is a miracle.

A few weeks ago I decided to let go of the restaurant. It hurt. I cried. However, I needed to make a decision. I knew that the demands of motherhood (and pregnancy) and the demands of a restaurant come in equal measure. I needed to make a choice because I knew that I cannot have both. At least, not right now.

I prayed about it and when the answer came, it made me sad. But, I was obedient and followed what I believed to be the will of God. It did not make sense then but I had faith that it will. The revelation will come later.

And slowly God unravelled to me His reasons. I won't go into much details but I assure you that the reasons are beautiful. His vision for my life is much, much more intricate than I ever thought it would be. He loves me and is making sure I am more than okay. He wants my life to be beautiful.

So why do I share all this under the banner title of impact? I am sharing this because the moment I strived for self-acclamation was the very moment God pushed me in a different direction. The impact I have will never be determined by me. It will be His and His decision alone.

And I Edit Me Not

2010-04-19T17:06:00.003+03:00

Everyday I think of many things that I should write here and everyday I end up writing nothing. I have had the tendency to edit myself even before I press the first letter on my keyboard and I do not know why. Perhaps because many moons ago, I had a blog where I shared everything and I realized that it is actually not that healthy to share that much online. Another reason can be that I am trying to sound better than I really am.

Anyway, I vow not to edit myself too much anymore. Blogging is therapeutic. It also allows me to click on parts of myself every so often. The other I just clicked on one of the categories and man, I could not believe I even thought some of the things I wrote here. Like all others, I go through phases and it is fun to look back at those.

Now that there is a little alien growing in my tummy, I think it is even more important that I blog! Many entries ago, I said that I would like to use my blog, Twitter, Tumblr and Facebook as recorded processes of my growth. I want my kid to see who I was. I want the kid to see that whenever she feels insecure, sad, in love or happy that once upon a decade, I also felt similar strains of what s/he is feeling. I think it would be a cool way to get to know each other. Parenthood by technology!

Anyway, I am just glad that I blog and I should not really put too much thought on what I write. I know sometimes I have bad grammar but really, why should it matter? No one is grading me.

I just want to be back to my totally honest self again. And since no one is stopping me, from now on I will!

The News

2010-04-13T17:42:00.001+03:00

So...

I am 12-weeks pregnant. :-)